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Disordered Eating and Running

My tattoo says "Stronger never a victim, forever a fighter"

My journey is 6 1/2 years long, and my story isn't over just yet.

I was never athletic in high school. I played field hockey from 7th - 12th grade (prior to a quadricep tear), but I didn't try hard at all. However, when I was a junior in high school, I met a guy who played soccer year round. He was super thin and only 5lbs more than me. His build wasn't the issue, how he made fun of my weight was.

So I attempted to lose a little weight and be more athletic like him. I trained the summer before my senior year of field hockey, which ended up being for nothing because I tore my quad on a sprinting drill in the first four days of two-a-days. I went to PT during the season and took score at games. After PT, I would go home and run and do simple workouts in my room to help improve my chances of getting back on the field.

... I was never cleared to play... 

Okay, so season's over. Now what? Well the easy weight loss was rewarding enough. I would jog in place in my room, do crunches on end, hundreds of jumping jacks, and tens of squats almost nightly. I stopped eating meat, potatoes, bread... I feared anything that wasn't a salad or a fruit.  I created a stress fracture in my foot from all the jumping jacks. I was running at the gym at 2AM on a school night.

The running actually motivated me to do my first 5K in the spring of 2012. I can't recall how well I did, but I do remember feeling accomplished and knowing I already had my workout in for the day (sadly, I didn't care about anything about running other than weight loss).

My friends were calling me a 'twig'. My mom addressed me about my eating and thought of putting me in a psych hospital. My GI stopped working properly - which put me in the ER while on a college visit.

I didn't believe I had an eating disorder...

120lbs at Senior Week


I was 145lbs in the Spring of 2011. By Christmas, I was down to 135lbs. By spring of 2012, I was down to 120lbs. Mind you, I'm 5'8"; I was on the brink of underweight.

When I got to college, I realized that I was obsessed with food. The cafeteria was a heaven. I ran during my first semester of freshman year, running with a club and completing two 5Ks and a 10K that fall. When the school load was getting to be too much, I had to stop. I started to gain a few pounds. Since I didn't have time to run, I began abusing laxatives. This tore up my insides nightly.

And then I became almost dependent upon them. I had to go to the gastroenterologist, to find out that I had severe IBS, GERD, and lactose and gluten intolerances. I was destroying myself, and I was okay with that.. as long as I was skinny. Actually, having the intolerances made it even easier to say no to food.

But it didn't end. Going into my sophomore year of college, I knew I couldn't rely on laxatives because of all the pain it was causing. So I started to induce vomiting. Mind you, I'm now 19... I hadn't vomited since I was 6! I was weirded out at first, but read blogs and pro-ana websites to help me learn how to induce vomit. WTF?! But yes, I did. And it made sense. I could now enjoy the foods I forbade myself from and not pay the consequences of gaining weight.

Little did I know that not everything came up. I gained about 10lbs and was having a meltdown. I couldn't control my obsession with food and knew that I could just throw it up after eating it. So I was then having anxiety attacks about my weight and not looking perfect.  I still didn't have time to run though; I worked 30-50 hours a week sophomore through senior year of college.

I finally checked in to an outpatient clinic in the spring of 2014 in the hopes of finding a way out of this pit of self-hate and a negative relationship with food. The program sucked. I didn't gain anything from it except a couple great friends.

I continued to be sick until a miraculous breakthrough in my junior year of college (winter 2014). I literally made myself a star chart and my roommate helped me keep on track. It worked! I was finally going days without behaviors.

I put on more weight. And at this time, I didn't care because I was enjoying food for what it was.

I got back into running again in the spring of 2016. I did it this time though for the love of the run and loving the idea of living a healthy lifestyle. I shed a few pounds, but its a natural consequence of all of a sudden working out.

Something happened last summer though, and I began to reevaluate myself as being only as good as my body looked. The behaviors began all over again. I was back to start. I was running at the time and became extremely pissed off that I wasn't losing any weight despite working out so much. I was running for weightloss again.

A year and a half of recovery, gone!

I still struggle with food and my body image. Every meal... every second of my f*cking life is obsessing over food and my body. But in this past year, I've come to learn to love the victories of becoming faster and with endurance. I loved seeing myself be able to run more miles than I ever imagined. I love running. I love what my body can do, even if it jiggles a little more than I want.

One body weights a lot more, but is also faster and stronger!

So no, my story is FAR FAR FARRRRR from over. But I believe that my relationship with running is much healthier than it ever was before. My body needs proper nourishment to be that Boston Qualifier I want to become some day, and I can't achieve that running on empty.


So for all of you out there looking at your plate or body in disgust, it's okay. Food is fuel. Your body is a temple. Treat it right, and it will amaze you in its capabilities.

Sending love with a purple heart to all of y'all <3

Please feel free to privately email me about your journey

Comments

  1. I'm sorry to hear you've had such struggles! It is not easy being a woman now-a-days. Everywhere you turn you see these rail-thin models with the "perfect body", when in reality 99% of women do not look close to that. I'm glad you're back on track with your food and eating. For the record, the above picture of you running now, you look amazing! And STRONG! Get that BQ girl!

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