Disordered Eating and Running

My tattoo says "Stronger never a victim, forever a fighter"

My journey is 6 1/2 years long, and my story isn't over just yet.

I was never athletic in high school. I played field hockey from 7th - 12th grade (prior to a quadricep tear), but I didn't try hard at all. However, when I was a junior in high school, I met a guy who played soccer year round. He was super thin and only 5lbs more than me. His build wasn't the issue, how he made fun of my weight was.

So I attempted to lose a little weight and be more athletic like him. I trained the summer before my senior year of field hockey, which ended up being for nothing because I tore my quad on a sprinting drill in the first four days of two-a-days. I went to PT during the season and took score at games. After PT, I would go home and run and do simple workouts in my room to help improve my chances of getting back on the field.

... I was never cleared to play... 

Okay, so season's over. Now what? Well the easy weight loss was rewarding enough. I would jog in place in my room, do crunches on end, hundreds of jumping jacks, and tens of squats almost nightly. I stopped eating meat, potatoes, bread... I feared anything that wasn't a salad or a fruit.  I created a stress fracture in my foot from all the jumping jacks. I was running at the gym at 2AM on a school night.

The running actually motivated me to do my first 5K in the spring of 2012. I can't recall how well I did, but I do remember feeling accomplished and knowing I already had my workout in for the day (sadly, I didn't care about anything about running other than weight loss).

My friends were calling me a 'twig'. My mom addressed me about my eating and thought of putting me in a psych hospital. My GI stopped working properly - which put me in the ER while on a college visit.

I didn't believe I had an eating disorder...

120lbs at Senior Week

I was 145lbs in the Spring of 2011. By Christmas, I was down to 135lbs. By spring of 2012, I was down to 120lbs. Mind you, I'm 5'8"; I was on the brink of underweight.

When I got to college, I realized that I was obsessed with food. The cafeteria was a heaven. I ran during my first semester of freshman year, running with a club and completing two 5Ks and a 10K that fall. When the school load was getting to be too much, I had to stop. I started to gain a few pounds. Since I didn't have time to run, I began abusing laxatives. This tore up my insides nightly.

And then I became almost dependent upon them. I had to go to the gastroenterologist, to find out that I had severe IBS, GERD, and lactose and gluten intolerances. I was destroying myself, and I was okay with that.. as long as I was skinny. Actually, having the intolerances made it even easier to say no to food.

But it didn't end. Going into my sophomore year of college, I knew I couldn't rely on laxatives because of all the pain it was causing. So I started to induce vomiting. Mind you, I'm now 19... I hadn't vomited since I was 6! I was weirded out at first, but read blogs and pro-ana websites to help me learn how to induce vomit. WTF?! But yes, I did. And it made sense. I could now enjoy the foods I forbade myself from and not pay the consequences of gaining weight.

Little did I know that not everything came up. I gained about 10lbs and was having a meltdown. I couldn't control my obsession with food and knew that I could just throw it up after eating it. So I was then having anxiety attacks about my weight and not looking perfect.  I still didn't have time to run though; I worked 30-50 hours a week sophomore through senior year of college.

I finally checked in to an outpatient clinic in the spring of 2014 in the hopes of finding a way out of this pit of self-hate and a negative relationship with food. The program sucked. I didn't gain anything from it except a couple great friends.

I continued to be sick until a miraculous breakthrough in my junior year of college (winter 2014). I literally made myself a star chart and my roommate helped me keep on track. It worked! I was finally going days without behaviors.

I put on more weight. And at this time, I didn't care because I was enjoying food for what it was.

I got back into running again in the spring of 2016. I did it this time though for the love of the run and loving the idea of living a healthy lifestyle. I shed a few pounds, but its a natural consequence of all of a sudden working out.

Something happened last summer though, and I began to reevaluate myself as being only as good as my body looked. The behaviors began all over again. I was back to start. I was running at the time and became extremely pissed off that I wasn't losing any weight despite working out so much. I was running for weightloss again.

A year and a half of recovery, gone!

I still struggle with food and my body image. Every meal... every second of my f*cking life is obsessing over food and my body. But in this past year, I've come to learn to love the victories of becoming faster and with endurance. I loved seeing myself be able to run more miles than I ever imagined. I love running. I love what my body can do, even if it jiggles a little more than I want.

One body weights a lot more, but is also faster and stronger!

So no, my story is FAR FAR FARRRRR from over. But I believe that my relationship with running is much healthier than it ever was before. My body needs proper nourishment to be that Boston Qualifier I want to become some day, and I can't achieve that running on empty.

So for all of you out there looking at your plate or body in disgust, it's okay. Food is fuel. Your body is a temple. Treat it right, and it will amaze you in its capabilities.

Sending love with a purple heart to all of y'all <3

Please feel free to privately email me about your journey